totchipanda (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
totchipanda) wrote2006-05-03 11:00 pm
totchipanda) wrote2006-05-03 11:00 pm
Asexuality and me
xposted and public cause I want some people to see this
Ok, I've been thinking more about this asexuality thing. I'm still having a hard time identifying. There was an article in last Friday's journal about it (right on the front page too), and it included statistics from a 1996 British study, where 1.8% of respondants said that they felt little to no sexual desire towards another person at all. It went on to say that the maker of this study didn't want to use it as a measuring stick for a population, because it was old. Or something like that.
I'm probably going to misquote this article a lot. I'll have to type it up for my later reference....
Anyway, I was thinking about this the other night, and how one of the article's quoted persons said that when she was 14 or so, all of her friends started speaking this whole new language, and she didn't really get it, but just assumed that one day she'd catch up and "get it". But never did. It took a few days to catch up to me, because I wondered if, for myself, it was a true lack of interest, or simply not getting/having the right stimuli. Then I remembered: My very first boyfriend. I was 13, he was 20. He used to live in Calgary and moved back to edmonton. We came up to Edmonton and stayed at his apartment (really, his mom's apartment) I think twice. The second time was.... I totally forget when. Some time before Feb 94, 'cause he sent me a Valentine's Day gift and I wrote a letter back telling him I wanted to break up (see ladies? this is my history. I'm not proud of it :( ) And we all sat down to watch something on TV (also forget what...). I sat on the floor, he sat next to me, kinda put his arm around me and leaned in close. I had the distinct impression that he wanted "something" from me, and it frightened me, which is what lead me to break up with him.
I am tempted to believe that it is a true lack of interest. Had I been interested, there were many opportunities, not only with the first BF, but many other pervs I met through my teen years who would have been all too happy to "entertain" me. I just wasn't interested, but kinda felt like I HAD to be, because that's what was expected of me, of any person in my age group. Except, I wasn't.
It's still carrying on that way, and a big factor in why I'm having trouble identifying... I still feel like sex is so much of a focus that it drives any quasi-romantic relationship, even though I've been saying for at least a few years that my answer to sex is "no thanks". I think I could happily and willingly have sex with someone , but i'm pretty sure it would have to be in a well-comitted relationship.
so, I want to apologize to the last two ladies in my life... just in case you hadn't noticed, I am clearly not ready to be in any kind of relationship while I'm still trying to find my center. I am sorry that I caused you the pain that I did.
Now, I have also been pondering how I'm going to "come out" to various members of my family......
Ok, I've been thinking more about this asexuality thing. I'm still having a hard time identifying. There was an article in last Friday's journal about it (right on the front page too), and it included statistics from a 1996 British study, where 1.8% of respondants said that they felt little to no sexual desire towards another person at all. It went on to say that the maker of this study didn't want to use it as a measuring stick for a population, because it was old. Or something like that.
I'm probably going to misquote this article a lot. I'll have to type it up for my later reference....
Anyway, I was thinking about this the other night, and how one of the article's quoted persons said that when she was 14 or so, all of her friends started speaking this whole new language, and she didn't really get it, but just assumed that one day she'd catch up and "get it". But never did. It took a few days to catch up to me, because I wondered if, for myself, it was a true lack of interest, or simply not getting/having the right stimuli. Then I remembered: My very first boyfriend. I was 13, he was 20. He used to live in Calgary and moved back to edmonton. We came up to Edmonton and stayed at his apartment (really, his mom's apartment) I think twice. The second time was.... I totally forget when. Some time before Feb 94, 'cause he sent me a Valentine's Day gift and I wrote a letter back telling him I wanted to break up (see ladies? this is my history. I'm not proud of it :( ) And we all sat down to watch something on TV (also forget what...). I sat on the floor, he sat next to me, kinda put his arm around me and leaned in close. I had the distinct impression that he wanted "something" from me, and it frightened me, which is what lead me to break up with him.
I am tempted to believe that it is a true lack of interest. Had I been interested, there were many opportunities, not only with the first BF, but many other pervs I met through my teen years who would have been all too happy to "entertain" me. I just wasn't interested, but kinda felt like I HAD to be, because that's what was expected of me, of any person in my age group. Except, I wasn't.
It's still carrying on that way, and a big factor in why I'm having trouble identifying... I still feel like sex is so much of a focus that it drives any quasi-romantic relationship, even though I've been saying for at least a few years that my answer to sex is "no thanks". I think I could happily and willingly have sex with someone , but i'm pretty sure it would have to be in a well-comitted relationship.
so, I want to apologize to the last two ladies in my life... just in case you hadn't noticed, I am clearly not ready to be in any kind of relationship while I'm still trying to find my center. I am sorry that I caused you the pain that I did.
Now, I have also been pondering how I'm going to "come out" to various members of my family......