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Go away anxiety :(
Jan. 4th, 2015 08:16 amThis is really the first time I've been able to identify sleeplessness with anxiety, and I have no idea why I'm feeling so anxious, nor why it's been going on for so long. I'm not really an anxious person in general, and this definitely has a feeling of "out of the ordinary". How do others cope with this? It's terrible :(
It happened once before, when I was in BC in the summer for my Gamie's memorial service. I woke up in the dead of night with my heart pounding and breathing so fast, tense and unhappy, while my brain was basically going "sunshine, lollipops and, rainbows, jelly beans and!" And this is very similar. I know I was anxious about starting my new job yesterday way too damn early in the week and that's certainly still tied in, but it's also different from that. I don't know how to describe it. I want it to stop but I don't know how. I feel like I haven't slept in days and my eyes are burning from tiredness, but I just can't sleep any more. It's like that part of my brain goes "ok we're awake enough that we're not likely to kill anyone through gross negligence, let's get back to stress-response about nothing in particular, it's very important."
So, as mentioned, I started my new job yesterday :D I needed a part-time one in addition to my regular job because of my insurance for having a car. It's more than a single car payment, and between the two, plus a couple of other necessary bills, my monthly budget is at -$10 before I get to being able to feed myself or the cat. Which just won't do. I got pretty lucky in that the one I was offered is with a dance studio, which is retail, but so very very very different from anything with a corporate head office. It will be a lot like the 9.5 years I did at the mall. The biggest challenge I can see so far is the location. It's on a street that's well-known for being... shall we say, less than spectacular. The people who work and live near it are trying to reclaim it, and they're doing great so far, but you know how reputations work. When I arrived there was a guy who was trying to warm up (it's damn cold this weekend), and he was telling us how his legs and feet hurt. When the bosslady suggested he go to a Medicentre, he said that he had, and they told him there was nothing wrong with him, but he ought to lay off the drugs, he laughed and said "like that's gonna happen" and went on to tell us how he only does them to make the pain in his legs go away, and he was 5 days sober and his feet hurt so damn much. That's the kind of reputation the street has. It's concerning to me because most of the time I'll be working alone, though I KNOW that it won't happen that often. Maybe that's why I can't sleep, worrying about something I can't control and can't really plan for. But it should be a great experience overall, and I'm really excited about it. Best of all, it's mostly 2-3 nights a week, and almost never weekends :D
In other news, I finished the main piece of the sontag just after midnight. I kept pushing my "deadline" back -- "after this movie", but then I only had a few rows to go, so I started watching My Little Pony, with short episodes, to finish it. THEN I only had a couple of episodes to finish the season, so I decided what colour I wanted to edge it with. And that didn't take long, so once I had picked it out, I had one full ball of yarn, and one tiny ball, so I put on enough edging to get through the tiny ball, and the season. I'm debating still how wide I want the edging to be. My main colour is periwinkle blue, the edging is a coppery colour, and I'm toying with putting a thin white stripe on it too, as those are the colours of the local hockey team XD (not periwinkle, but still) I amuse myself so. Then I'll just need to make my ties and attach them, and it's done. I will probably have it finished today, but I really should take more frequent breaks. The anxiety means my shoulders creep up to my ears in about 2 seconds flat, and I am constantly putting them down, because tensed up around-the-ears shoulders does a number on my rotator cuff.
I think I'll make time for a long hot shower today, and drink lots of tea. This anxiety thing is really not fun :(
It happened once before, when I was in BC in the summer for my Gamie's memorial service. I woke up in the dead of night with my heart pounding and breathing so fast, tense and unhappy, while my brain was basically going "sunshine, lollipops and, rainbows, jelly beans and!" And this is very similar. I know I was anxious about starting my new job yesterday way too damn early in the week and that's certainly still tied in, but it's also different from that. I don't know how to describe it. I want it to stop but I don't know how. I feel like I haven't slept in days and my eyes are burning from tiredness, but I just can't sleep any more. It's like that part of my brain goes "ok we're awake enough that we're not likely to kill anyone through gross negligence, let's get back to stress-response about nothing in particular, it's very important."
So, as mentioned, I started my new job yesterday :D I needed a part-time one in addition to my regular job because of my insurance for having a car. It's more than a single car payment, and between the two, plus a couple of other necessary bills, my monthly budget is at -$10 before I get to being able to feed myself or the cat. Which just won't do. I got pretty lucky in that the one I was offered is with a dance studio, which is retail, but so very very very different from anything with a corporate head office. It will be a lot like the 9.5 years I did at the mall. The biggest challenge I can see so far is the location. It's on a street that's well-known for being... shall we say, less than spectacular. The people who work and live near it are trying to reclaim it, and they're doing great so far, but you know how reputations work. When I arrived there was a guy who was trying to warm up (it's damn cold this weekend), and he was telling us how his legs and feet hurt. When the bosslady suggested he go to a Medicentre, he said that he had, and they told him there was nothing wrong with him, but he ought to lay off the drugs, he laughed and said "like that's gonna happen" and went on to tell us how he only does them to make the pain in his legs go away, and he was 5 days sober and his feet hurt so damn much. That's the kind of reputation the street has. It's concerning to me because most of the time I'll be working alone, though I KNOW that it won't happen that often. Maybe that's why I can't sleep, worrying about something I can't control and can't really plan for. But it should be a great experience overall, and I'm really excited about it. Best of all, it's mostly 2-3 nights a week, and almost never weekends :D
In other news, I finished the main piece of the sontag just after midnight. I kept pushing my "deadline" back -- "after this movie", but then I only had a few rows to go, so I started watching My Little Pony, with short episodes, to finish it. THEN I only had a couple of episodes to finish the season, so I decided what colour I wanted to edge it with. And that didn't take long, so once I had picked it out, I had one full ball of yarn, and one tiny ball, so I put on enough edging to get through the tiny ball, and the season. I'm debating still how wide I want the edging to be. My main colour is periwinkle blue, the edging is a coppery colour, and I'm toying with putting a thin white stripe on it too, as those are the colours of the local hockey team XD (not periwinkle, but still) I amuse myself so. Then I'll just need to make my ties and attach them, and it's done. I will probably have it finished today, but I really should take more frequent breaks. The anxiety means my shoulders creep up to my ears in about 2 seconds flat, and I am constantly putting them down, because tensed up around-the-ears shoulders does a number on my rotator cuff.
I think I'll make time for a long hot shower today, and drink lots of tea. This anxiety thing is really not fun :(
