totchipanda

With all the news and reactions surrounding Robin Williams' unfortunate death yesterday, I had a couple of what I felt were poorly worded sentiments cross my Facebook feed. One person phrased it more like "so sad that he felt the need to take his life", the other expressed outright anger. The first one I can tilt my head and see the sentiment behind it, but the second one definitely makes me side-eye the person who said it. Of course a person is allowed to feel whatever they feel in reaction to bad news. That's about all I want to say about that, though.

Depression has been on my mind for months. I feel fine right now, but I want to keep remembering what the signs are (for me) and the narratives that play out in my head, hopefully so I can remember that they are not normal and they are not OK.

I'm still working on recognizing the onset, since I've only just realized this year that this a thing that will likely happen to me for the rest of my life. It seems to start with a period of mania, where I have tons of energy and want to do ALL the things! This year I made a pair if pocket hoops and then most of a chemise, both over the span of 2 days. Then I just... Stop. I come home from work and it's all I can do to get myself comfortable on the couch, and then I stay there for hours. It's too much effort to get up and do anything -- get a drink of water, make food, go to the bathroom. I don't go to bed mostly because I don't want to go to bed so early, yet I don't do anything that makes me feel like I "deserve" to have stayed up. That was the key element in recognizing it this year, that I stopped eating. I would eat at work because I would feel hungry, but when I got home it was just too much work, I'll eat in a bit... Next thing I know it's 10pm and I'm making popcorn, which is still a lot of effort to pull off the wrapper and put it in the microwave, because it will fill me up. And the only reason I'm even eating or finally convincing myself to get more water is so I don't end up with a migraine.

The Jerkbrain starts in a couple of days later.

JB: no one likes you, you know.
Me: wait, what?
JB: it's true. You're just the worst, can't even get a drink of water.
Me: I don't think that's true...
JB: well it is.

And this was the first year that I managed to hear it as a separate voice. It waits until I'm low to start yapping loud enough to hear, though I'm sure it's always hiding in its lair, muttering, waiting for a chance to come out.

I'm lucky in the sense that my depression is mostly manageable just by keeping a positive attitude. It's largely seasonal, setting in when the sun is low in the sky though getting stronger. It lasts about 2 weeks, and I don't remember a lot of March, in the aftermath. I'm starting to tell myself that it's OK to feel down for those two weeks. It's OK to just watch TV all night. I feel sad and apathetic now, but it will pass. Next year I want to have a stack of frozen meals in the freezer do I can at least eat something other than popcorn when I convince myself to eat.

That's my experience. I can only imagine what it's like for someone with more severe illness, who spends months and years fighting their Jerkbrain and how hopeless it feels to have your own head tear you down constantly. Maybe the only light at the end of the tunnel is your own bright spark going out.

I know how it feels to feel like no one cares. Even if we have never met before, and may never meet, you are smart, beautiful, and awesome, and I care about you.

Eeee my cosplay for Otafest in <2 weeks is coming along nicely :) I finished the hakama about half an hour ago. Now to start on the juban/jinbei layer as a test run for the kimono. Better yet, I can use it for Bleach cosplay too XD

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Well... I have a large post half written at home, but every time I sit down and look at it, I just can't bring myself to finish it. There's so much going on in my head right now.

I mentioned it briefly on FB last night, but my annual depression has kicked in. I didn't notice it right away because it usually comes in the form of "your friends hate you and no one likes you and they're just being nice." But when I'd come home and look at the stack of boxes in the middle of the living room, which I NEED to put away so I can get Guido back, I just... can't bring myself to deal with them. It's been a week since the follow up and they're still there. I've been having trouble convincing myself to eat at home, often resorting to popcorn cuz it'll fill me up even tho it has zero nutritional value. And then I noticed on my way home how overwhelming I find simple tasks sometimes (in this case, after 4 months of waiting for the bus on a busy street, all of a sudden I find it excessively noisy and scary and I don't even have to cross it to get on the bus) and it all pointed in one direction.

I don't like to talk about my depression much. It's not that bad most of the time, and I can manage it with relative ease. Except, apparently, in February. Sometimes it's as if because it's nt that bad, I don't want to lump it in with more serious cases. But as my bro pointed out, (paraphrased) saying you can't be sad because others have it worse is like saying you can't be happy because others have it better. It happens. I just feel sad. I'm trying to just let it happen without feeling guilty about it. Trying not to beat myself up about not putting these boxes away (I want to sort thru them again and get rid of more stuff. I must be the only person who still has a VCR), trying to remember to eat somewhat better-for-me food, and not feeling overly guilty about the cost if I end up eating out instead. This WILL pass. Eventually. I don't think it lasts long past the beginning of March.

Thankfully my non-jerk brain is a classy lady and I feel, overall, better than I have in previous years. Jerk brain tried to pull the "no one likes you" bull while I was sitting on a greyhound, coming home from a weekend in Calgary where the friends I was visiting went out of their way to accommodate my rather impromptu visit. Really? STFU, jerk brain. You're a bloody liar and I know that.

That's mostly where I'm at right now. Hoping for Better days soon when I don't sit down on the couch and look up again 6 hours later and accomplished precisely nothing. It's ok to feel sad. Things will get better.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at home right now. Nothing major. I just get home and think about everything I want to do (blogs to read that I don't look at while st work mostly, that's up to a 2hour commitment right there, cleaning, making and eating dinner, at least think about food for the next day so I don't spend unnecessary money eating lunch out, TV shows I'd like to do more than ignore, and of course sewing and knitting or crocheting) and start feeling like there just isn't enough time in one night to do it all D: It took me a couple hours to catch up on blogs after getting home so late after the Justin Timberlake concert (bedbug inspection was fine), and then by the time I ate and had a shower, there was no time left for anything else. Last night I finished blogs and eating by 8 but then there was cleaning up (ugh I hate doing dishes) and posting a couple finished projects to the sewing blog, next thing I know it's nearly 10pm! I miss having a sewing room, I don't want to disturb my neighbours by sewing on the machine too late. But, I guess that's one good thing about ending up hand-sewing a dress, it's quiet work...

I finished the front edges last night. Took me a bit of time to finagle it, my lining mysteriously got shorter on one side. I figured it was more important for the outer material to be "right" but couldn't be sure until I tried it on quickly, and it was fine. Sadly ended up finding a piece of glass in the carpet with my foot though.

That's all I got going on ATM :) nothing exciting. My next challenge project is a corset. I better get started, it's due at the end of the month!

Also, what's the first thing you do with dolls that have been living in their bag for over three years? (Dear lord, has it been that long? Ugh... Holy crap I've had Saki for 8 years already o.o)

You set them down. And when Ren the King of Lounging slouches as he does, you spend under one minute moving limbs and bam! They're being schmoochy! ( seriously, I barely had to move them for this photo)

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Now that CCEE is over (so. Much. Fun!), and I've caught up on a little bit of sleep, I'm starting to think about what's next on my to-do piles :D Especially with upcoming cons. I want to make a couple of book-related costumes for WorldCon :3

First will be to finish the bronze Victorian skirt, and then make a brown-velvet-ribbon-trimmed ecru jacket to go with it, from Timeless by gailcarriger. Twice now I read her books (the other being from Soulless) and discovered that Alexia had clothing I already had in my wardrobe XD I had no idea what to make to match that skirt, so thanks Gail, for giving me an idea :3

Second will be from A Woman Worth Ten Coppers by Morgan Howell. I was introduced to the series via Zutara fanart and I absolutely fell in love with it. I reread it on average once a year. Honus is told never to bear his own burden, so he buys Yim from a slave trader for ten coppers. She spends the first part of the book in a simple white slave's tunic, but as they travel and arrive back in Honus' homeland, she is bought an outfit to help her hide amongst the general populace. The description is very short, literally two lines, and doesn't give very much detail. It's a sleeveless shirt, tunic, and pants cut as full as a skirt and ending at the knee, and sandals, all dyed dark blue. I'm kinda stuck on how one could tell the shirt is sleeveless if the tunic isn't, but that's a problem for later. I don't know if anyone would even recognize the outfit, but I don't care :3

Maybe I'll finally finish my Jedi outfit, and maybe an "elf dress". I wore Ashura to Reno and I'm pretty sure most people just thought I was Random Elf #9835, but it was really fun to wear.

More options... MOAR Victorian clothes, Regency... I have to keep in mind too that we are flying, so there will be weight and space limits.

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Look look look!

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Just needs a facing :)

( Dress! )

And which boots? I like them both :( the shorter ones are flat, the tall ones have like a 3" platform heel.

Still to do:

• Buttons, lots of buttons
• Top stitching on dress around neck
• Extending sleeves by an inch, and putting cuffs on
• Cap headbandy thingy
• 2 reticules

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So, more progress. It doesn't look like a ton. I put in the zipper and did some tailoring on the shoulders. It seems I have a petite bust point, needed to take 2 inches out of the shoulders D: The downside is that now there isn't enough "room" on the white parts for three buttons in the front.

( The clock in the background doesn't believe in daylight savings time. )

At least there's enough room on the back for four buttons (and I did put it on, it will fit over my head XD). I was going to make buttonholes because I thought I had enough overlap, but it turns out I don't, not really. Now toying with button-topped snaps. It'll probably be easier to get on by myself that way.

Next up, sleeves.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.