some ruminations on grieving.
Jul. 25th, 2015 09:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
totchipandaIt's been a very strange couple of days. Thursday seemed to last FOREVER. It was utterly heartbreaking to see and hear my gramma weeping and mourning the loss of her husband of 60 years. The hospital staff left Grampa in his bed for us to see if we so chose, and we did. I didn't really want to see my grampa like that, but for the most part I'm glad that I did. They had the bed curtained off so you couldn't see him from the doorway, and my gramma sat on the side where you could see him. I sat with her on that side because I wanted to support her. It was... interesting. I've been to Body Worlds a couple times so it wasn't the first time I'd seen a corpse, but it was the first time I'd seen one so "new", and certainly the first time I'd seen one that was so recently one of my relatives. So weird. I'd attended a first aid class with a woman who'd once seen someone die on an airplane, and she said how amazing it was how quickly the skin goes yellow once the blood stops moving. There was definitely a bit of morbid fascination.
After everyone had arrived and said their goodbyes, we went to my Aunt's hotel to kind of collect ourselves. I was REALLY sick... the last time I cried that much and made myself actually physically sick was at Shell's funeral 3 years ago. It really was the worst day of my entire life so far.
I took Friday off too, and today we went back to Bashaw to visit with Gramma. There so many things that have to be taken care of, the least of which is what's going to happen with Gramma. She will now be on only her own income, but the care home was able to move her to a smaller room which apparently is just outside of her pension income, but my aunt says that there are other sources of income that she should be getting which will make up for it. So we spent a lot of today moving what furniture and personal things she wanted to keep, and I guess the home will take care of anything that gets left behind. So that was was another thing we didn't have to worry about.
It's just.. I keep cycling through the disbelief stage, I think. I will think of my grampa, and then have to remind myself that he is gone, and not just in a hypothetical maybe-someday kind of way. He's gone. Gramma and I had a cry this morning over it, mostly because he was in so much pain for so long and I can only hope his passing was relatively peaceful and painless. We got on the road around 8:30 am and he was gone before we'd even left the city. And when we (my brother and I) were getting ready to leave, my aunt said she burst into tears and called us the best kids ever. I'm so grateful that this side of my family at least is so close. Even though my brother and I were tired and hungry and we were all so exhausted and still deeeep in the midst of mourning, there was just no question that of course we would do whatever Gramma needed us to.
I'm already thinking ahead to the holidays... I was Grampa's sous chef for many many years, and co-head-chef when his health last year was too bad for him to consider cooking a full meal. When I mentioned to Nicole that them moving into the home meant that there would be no more cooking for Grampa, she said that it was up to me now. And now that he's gone, it really IS up to me. I know we will want to spend some time with Gramma on the holidays, but for the big meals, I... may need to somehow finagle a turkey dinner and actually host people in my tiny apartment (not many people. Dad and Kelly and maybe a couple others). Grampa and I always took care of all the preparations and cooking, and everyone else took care of the eating and cleaning up, which is how I became sous chef anyway. I hate cleaning up after cooking. It will require some thought. I don't know if I'm ready, really, but I can't go back. We can never go back.
I really miss you, Grampa.
After everyone had arrived and said their goodbyes, we went to my Aunt's hotel to kind of collect ourselves. I was REALLY sick... the last time I cried that much and made myself actually physically sick was at Shell's funeral 3 years ago. It really was the worst day of my entire life so far.
I took Friday off too, and today we went back to Bashaw to visit with Gramma. There so many things that have to be taken care of, the least of which is what's going to happen with Gramma. She will now be on only her own income, but the care home was able to move her to a smaller room which apparently is just outside of her pension income, but my aunt says that there are other sources of income that she should be getting which will make up for it. So we spent a lot of today moving what furniture and personal things she wanted to keep, and I guess the home will take care of anything that gets left behind. So that was was another thing we didn't have to worry about.
It's just.. I keep cycling through the disbelief stage, I think. I will think of my grampa, and then have to remind myself that he is gone, and not just in a hypothetical maybe-someday kind of way. He's gone. Gramma and I had a cry this morning over it, mostly because he was in so much pain for so long and I can only hope his passing was relatively peaceful and painless. We got on the road around 8:30 am and he was gone before we'd even left the city. And when we (my brother and I) were getting ready to leave, my aunt said she burst into tears and called us the best kids ever. I'm so grateful that this side of my family at least is so close. Even though my brother and I were tired and hungry and we were all so exhausted and still deeeep in the midst of mourning, there was just no question that of course we would do whatever Gramma needed us to.
I'm already thinking ahead to the holidays... I was Grampa's sous chef for many many years, and co-head-chef when his health last year was too bad for him to consider cooking a full meal. When I mentioned to Nicole that them moving into the home meant that there would be no more cooking for Grampa, she said that it was up to me now. And now that he's gone, it really IS up to me. I know we will want to spend some time with Gramma on the holidays, but for the big meals, I... may need to somehow finagle a turkey dinner and actually host people in my tiny apartment (not many people. Dad and Kelly and maybe a couple others). Grampa and I always took care of all the preparations and cooking, and everyone else took care of the eating and cleaning up, which is how I became sous chef anyway. I hate cleaning up after cooking. It will require some thought. I don't know if I'm ready, really, but I can't go back. We can never go back.
I really miss you, Grampa.
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no subject
Date: 2015-08-02 04:49 pm (UTC)Grief is hard, but feeling it is the only way to get through it.
I'm glad you have safe places to go to help. *hug*
Because it never gets old:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY
no subject
Date: 2015-08-05 04:55 am (UTC)I'm writing this now from my sensation of peace, which is still very strong, and I sure hope no one takes my generally cheerful demeanor to mean that I'm not still grieving, but it's changed, and I was really surprised at how fast it came. Like I said on facebook, I miss him with love, not with sadness. It's a bit strange but I'm glad for it.