Waiting for God

[totchipanda]

As my grampa said in the uh... early 00s I think, after a TV show of the same name, he and gramma were just going to be waiting for God. Seeing my gramma was tough again; I was better prepared for her physical appearance but I was not prepared for her not-well-formed cries of "get me out". I did check with a nurse because I wasn't sure if it was something she said often or if there was even anything to do, and she told me no, Gramma is just too fragile. I stayed for a bit longer after she fell asleep again; after her first cries I'd asked if she needed help and she blinked at me several times before saying "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are." She had worship TV on and it was quite loud, and at one point she woke up long enough to sing along with a hymn (I think; looking back it may have been "turn that down" or something). It was not my favourite, being a non-religious person, but I can see how people would want the comfort of something larger than themselves to believe in.

(the people who then use this comfort to be the most bigoted assholes on the face of the planet are exempt from this understanding. Those people can fuck all the way off.)

I grew up in their house for a number of years, where we said grace before dinner and went to church when we were little. I had trouble believing in a thing I couldn't see or hear or touch and made my peace years ago with a break from organized religion in most (if not all) forms. if it turns out that I'm wrong about the existence of a god, well that's a conversation for me and that god to have, and no one else. Watching my gramma cry out, thinking about how scared she must be waking up alone and being in so much pain and bad hearing and bad eyesight, maybe not knowing where she is or who the people are around her, IF someone is even there... reader, I prayed. Not to a specific person or even ideal, but I prayed that the end of her journey would be comfortable and peaceful.

Ran an errand for a friend while I was out to see gramma, and dropped the items off on my way in. Their daughter was very happy with her new toys and very shyly asked me to stay for dinner, but I was very emotionally drained and we've made tentative plans to meet up again. (tentative in like, "we definitely need to do this soon, for REALLY REALS" and I don't want to disappoint a 5 year old so.) It was also the evening of the Regency ball, but I'd let my friend know in the morning that I wasn't going, as I didn't want to pretend like I had my life together for those hours. Around 8, I was washing dishes and thinking about how the dancing was likely to be starting right about then, and paused for a moment, picturing myself there. No, staying home was the right decision. I was in bed at 10pm.

Yesterday I did laundry and mostly just vibed. New cross stich pic on instagram/in the Flickr album (handy permalink in the side bar of my main page). I took a nap and had breakfast for dinner. When I went to bed I thought I'd read for a bit, until I got tired, which on a Sunday night tends to be quite late. Y'all... I do not know who these people are who claim they can fall asleep reading a book, but I am not that person! I was reading until 2 AM. Then I had to play my games as my usual sleepy time routine, and then lay in bed for another 30 or so minutes rolling around trying to get my brain to calm down enough to sleep.

I did sleep, and deeply enough that I don't know when one of the kittens (probably Calcifer) came to lie on me. but I definitely did not sleep long enough by FAR. And then my coworker called in sick, but he didn't notify my boss properly so I opened my usual haunt, only to abandon it to come to the reception where I had a crowd of people, including some VPs, and almost none of them were pre-registered. YARGH. There will be some tough convos but the worst of it won't be on me, I don't think.

Tonight, I planned to go to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions sorted out and then plonk my ass down and sweet fuck all except finish reading the book I stayed up too late reading. Tomorrow is Dancing with the Stars so I must remember to take my knitting with me in the AM as I am going to M and J's house right after work. I am SOOOO excited for it, I cannot wait to watch my queen Ilona Maher dance her little tushie off with the delicious Alan B. I am also excited for kitten-free knitting time lol.

Comments

[m_of_disguise]

I could never fall asleep reading a book, either. Reading is active! I have to pay attention, that requires me to brain, and that is the opposite of sleep.

[totchipanda]

And what if it's a good story?? Then I can't "just put it down", I have to keep going!

[danabren]

This is why Chapters were invented!!

[marianme]

End of life is difficult.

I, also, should not be trusted to go to get sleep if I take a book to bed. It's the old timey version of watching screens/tv.

[totchipanda]

It sure is :(

I still love reading, but I am gonna have to start reading earlier in the evening to give myself a chance at sleeping lol

[danabren]

There is prayer internalized for the sake of giving yourself permission/forgiveness to do what you wanted to do anyway, and prayer sent out gently for the sake of others.

[totchipanda]

Truer words have rarely been spoken. or written.

[danabren]

Vero (touches palm to forehead)