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Jan. 26th, 2016 10:20 amIn the continuing saga of "my Jerkbrain is actually a velociraptor" (because it's winter and in less than a month I'll most likely be wishing it was actually possible for humans to hibernate, except not because that would take too much effort), today's thoughts:
I need to scale back certain haunts on the Internet. I read an advice blog and the associated forum, which are generally great, but lately my thoughts are in the "ugh get over yourself" vein, which is not actually helpful. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to cut back on reading there, or scaling back even more on facebook when the sidebar is full of bizarre news stories ("7 year old shot in head by another child", "man attacked and killed on a carribean beach by a man wielding a machete", "rapper claims world is flat", supposedly heartwarming story that I didn't find all that heartwarming?)
My Jerkbrain used to talk about how awful I am, how no one actually likes me and is just pretending, and I don't doubt that it'll still try to tell me that narrative, but last year it turned into a velociraptor and started testing the fences, saying things like "you're the bestest most amazing person at (highly specific thing) and everyone should be grovelling at your feet. Grovel, peons, grovel! Why aren't you grovelling >:C" which... Actually isn't any better than the first part, CuZ now I'm mad instead of sad. It's really unpleasant.
I'm already falling into the mire of "I'm amazing validate meeeeeee", and I'm pretty sure this happened last year too. When the velociraptors aren't nipping at my ankles, I don't really need the external validation, I'm amazing and I know it. Even though I've been dealing with this thought and mood cycle for... Probably longer than I even know, I've only been recognizing the patterns and processes for about 3 years now.its tough.
And yes, I've talked to my doc about it. He said (and I agree) that since I'm not actively suicidal, he doesn't want to put me on medications that will take 6-8 weeks to take effect, and need to be weaned off of afterwards. It's a relatively short period of my year affected, and I'm expecting this year to be worse because of everything that happened last year. So the fact that my brain seems to be on a roller coaster of weird emotions and thoughts is not entirely unexpected. I just gotta become an expert velociraptor wrangler in the meantime.
(Dear Chris Pratt, you are welcome to come help me ;) )
I need to scale back certain haunts on the Internet. I read an advice blog and the associated forum, which are generally great, but lately my thoughts are in the "ugh get over yourself" vein, which is not actually helpful. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to cut back on reading there, or scaling back even more on facebook when the sidebar is full of bizarre news stories ("7 year old shot in head by another child", "man attacked and killed on a carribean beach by a man wielding a machete", "rapper claims world is flat", supposedly heartwarming story that I didn't find all that heartwarming?)
My Jerkbrain used to talk about how awful I am, how no one actually likes me and is just pretending, and I don't doubt that it'll still try to tell me that narrative, but last year it turned into a velociraptor and started testing the fences, saying things like "you're the bestest most amazing person at (highly specific thing) and everyone should be grovelling at your feet. Grovel, peons, grovel! Why aren't you grovelling >:C" which... Actually isn't any better than the first part, CuZ now I'm mad instead of sad. It's really unpleasant.
I'm already falling into the mire of "I'm amazing validate meeeeeee", and I'm pretty sure this happened last year too. When the velociraptors aren't nipping at my ankles, I don't really need the external validation, I'm amazing and I know it. Even though I've been dealing with this thought and mood cycle for... Probably longer than I even know, I've only been recognizing the patterns and processes for about 3 years now.its tough.
And yes, I've talked to my doc about it. He said (and I agree) that since I'm not actively suicidal, he doesn't want to put me on medications that will take 6-8 weeks to take effect, and need to be weaned off of afterwards. It's a relatively short period of my year affected, and I'm expecting this year to be worse because of everything that happened last year. So the fact that my brain seems to be on a roller coaster of weird emotions and thoughts is not entirely unexpected. I just gotta become an expert velociraptor wrangler in the meantime.
(Dear Chris Pratt, you are welcome to come help me ;) )
