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[totchipanda]

Well... I have a large post half written at home, but every time I sit down and look at it, I just can't bring myself to finish it. There's so much going on in my head right now.

I mentioned it briefly on FB last night, but my annual depression has kicked in. I didn't notice it right away because it usually comes in the form of "your friends hate you and no one likes you and they're just being nice." But when I'd come home and look at the stack of boxes in the middle of the living room, which I NEED to put away so I can get Guido back, I just... can't bring myself to deal with them. It's been a week since the follow up and they're still there. I've been having trouble convincing myself to eat at home, often resorting to popcorn cuz it'll fill me up even tho it has zero nutritional value. And then I noticed on my way home how overwhelming I find simple tasks sometimes (in this case, after 4 months of waiting for the bus on a busy street, all of a sudden I find it excessively noisy and scary and I don't even have to cross it to get on the bus) and it all pointed in one direction.

I don't like to talk about my depression much. It's not that bad most of the time, and I can manage it with relative ease. Except, apparently, in February. Sometimes it's as if because it's nt that bad, I don't want to lump it in with more serious cases. But as my bro pointed out, (paraphrased) saying you can't be sad because others have it worse is like saying you can't be happy because others have it better. It happens. I just feel sad. I'm trying to just let it happen without feeling guilty about it. Trying not to beat myself up about not putting these boxes away (I want to sort thru them again and get rid of more stuff. I must be the only person who still has a VCR), trying to remember to eat somewhat better-for-me food, and not feeling overly guilty about the cost if I end up eating out instead. This WILL pass. Eventually. I don't think it lasts long past the beginning of March.

Thankfully my non-jerk brain is a classy lady and I feel, overall, better than I have in previous years. Jerk brain tried to pull the "no one likes you" bull while I was sitting on a greyhound, coming home from a weekend in Calgary where the friends I was visiting went out of their way to accommodate my rather impromptu visit. Really? STFU, jerk brain. You're a bloody liar and I know that.

That's mostly where I'm at right now. Hoping for Better days soon when I don't sit down on the couch and look up again 6 hours later and accomplished precisely nothing. It's ok to feel sad. Things will get better.

Comments

[totchipanda.livejournal.com]

We do! <3 Which is how I know my Jerkbrain is a Lying McLiarPants because you don't go to something as cool as a drag show with someone you hate ;)

I had to remind myself of small victories today too, so my goal for tonight is to move one box into the storage room, sorted or not :D I have to keep the VCR cuz I have some cool late-90s-early-00s j-rock videos that I just can't replace!