On Jerkbrains

[totchipanda]

With all the news and reactions surrounding Robin Williams' unfortunate death yesterday, I had a couple of what I felt were poorly worded sentiments cross my Facebook feed. One person phrased it more like "so sad that he felt the need to take his life", the other expressed outright anger. The first one I can tilt my head and see the sentiment behind it, but the second one definitely makes me side-eye the person who said it. Of course a person is allowed to feel whatever they feel in reaction to bad news. That's about all I want to say about that, though.

Depression has been on my mind for months. I feel fine right now, but I want to keep remembering what the signs are (for me) and the narratives that play out in my head, hopefully so I can remember that they are not normal and they are not OK.

I'm still working on recognizing the onset, since I've only just realized this year that this a thing that will likely happen to me for the rest of my life. It seems to start with a period of mania, where I have tons of energy and want to do ALL the things! This year I made a pair if pocket hoops and then most of a chemise, both over the span of 2 days. Then I just... Stop. I come home from work and it's all I can do to get myself comfortable on the couch, and then I stay there for hours. It's too much effort to get up and do anything -- get a drink of water, make food, go to the bathroom. I don't go to bed mostly because I don't want to go to bed so early, yet I don't do anything that makes me feel like I "deserve" to have stayed up. That was the key element in recognizing it this year, that I stopped eating. I would eat at work because I would feel hungry, but when I got home it was just too much work, I'll eat in a bit... Next thing I know it's 10pm and I'm making popcorn, which is still a lot of effort to pull off the wrapper and put it in the microwave, because it will fill me up. And the only reason I'm even eating or finally convincing myself to get more water is so I don't end up with a migraine.

The Jerkbrain starts in a couple of days later.

JB: no one likes you, you know.
Me: wait, what?
JB: it's true. You're just the worst, can't even get a drink of water.
Me: I don't think that's true...
JB: well it is.

And this was the first year that I managed to hear it as a separate voice. It waits until I'm low to start yapping loud enough to hear, though I'm sure it's always hiding in its lair, muttering, waiting for a chance to come out.

I'm lucky in the sense that my depression is mostly manageable just by keeping a positive attitude. It's largely seasonal, setting in when the sun is low in the sky though getting stronger. It lasts about 2 weeks, and I don't remember a lot of March, in the aftermath. I'm starting to tell myself that it's OK to feel down for those two weeks. It's OK to just watch TV all night. I feel sad and apathetic now, but it will pass. Next year I want to have a stack of frozen meals in the freezer do I can at least eat something other than popcorn when I convince myself to eat.

That's my experience. I can only imagine what it's like for someone with more severe illness, who spends months and years fighting their Jerkbrain and how hopeless it feels to have your own head tear you down constantly. Maybe the only light at the end of the tunnel is your own bright spark going out.

I know how it feels to feel like no one cares. Even if we have never met before, and may never meet, you are smart, beautiful, and awesome, and I care about you.

Comments

[maeveth.livejournal.com]

Have you possibly considered one of those light thingamabobbers, if your depression is seasonal? I hear they actually work.

Also, constant Jerkbrain-ness SUCKS and I will bear witness.

[totchipanda.livejournal.com]

This year I was working a better schedule, finally happy with my living situation, and taking vitamin D pills, so I'm not sure if any one thing was the thing that made me feel not so bad as I did in previous years. I'm going to add a light thingamabobber this year and see what happens :D

[maeveth.livejournal.com]

I hope the light thingamabobber helps out! They don't do jackshit for ME, but I'm not seasonal.

And now you need to go watch Attack on Titan so we can geek out over it together. 'Cause I said so.

[totchipanda.livejournal.com]

I suspect it'll help even a little. I know I definitely feel antsy around then. I want April/May levels of sunlight in February D: (I will be a snowbird for SURE)

Lol I've been meaning to do that for about a year now. If the cosplay scene at Sakuracon is anything like it was at Animethon, you won't be able to turn around without hitting aot cosplay XD

[maeveth.livejournal.com]

Well good, if it helps even a little then it's worth it, right?

Oh I expect Sakuracon to be SWARMING with AoT cosplay -- but that said, will it be GOOD AoT cosplay? Quite possibly not. It's easy to fuck up those uniforms.

But come oooooooon. Watch it with me. Come ship Erwin/Levi and and Reiner/Bertholdt and fangirl Jean.

[totchipanda.livejournal.com]

For sure! Even a small help is worth it. Solidarity against Jerkbrains!

It'll probably be a lot of mediocre cosplay. My friend and I were wandering the halls trying to hand out ribbons for hand-made costumes, and sooooo many are purchased these days. I'm firmly in the "dress up because it makes you happy" camp but it still makes me a little sad that so much creativity is going untapped because the skills aren't being learned :(

I'll see what I can do XD I always feel like I don't have any time to watch things, yet I'll happily sit through an hour of belly dance instruction on YouTube...

[maeveth.livejournal.com]

Must conquer the Jerkbrains!

There's so much detail in one of those uniforms that buying it seems like a total cheapout. And let's face it, uniforms are practically all anyone wears (although I did see a wonderful gay pride Colossal Titan once, and that made me laugh so hard I CRIED because spoilers). So I hope to see some good ones.

The whole series is on Hulu and it's only 25 episodes. I slammed through it in three days. It's fast-paced right from the get-go, which is nice.

[totchipanda.livejournal.com]

I don't think I get Hulu :( (but I have other..... options. Ahem.)

[maeveth.livejournal.com]

Oh, right, because Canada.

There are many other options TAKE ADVANTAGE AND WATCH THIS WITH MEEEEEEEEEE

[gilded-garb.livejournal.com]

Are you familiar with The Bloggess (http://thebloggess.com/)? Her Depression Lies tag is one of my favorites. It's a good thing to remember.

[totchipanda.livejournal.com]

I may have read a post or two about it, and I definitely remember the post about the giant metal chicken which had me in stitches and gasping for breath XD I'll check that tag out. Thanks! :)

[totchipanda.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just that one post was... in a word, amazing :O

[gilded-garb.livejournal.com]

Right?! I started reading for the metal chickens, but stayed for her incredible posts about depression and anxiety. I admire her so much.